I wish I could teleport
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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