My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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