You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
