if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
