Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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