I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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