Christians are straight up FREAKS
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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