dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize
