I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
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someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
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Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
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