Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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