I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
