All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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