Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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