I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
