I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
