Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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