Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize