So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
