Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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