The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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