Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
