I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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