I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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