What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
