got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
