Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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