Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
