Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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