Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
