How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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