bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
