Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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