Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
