So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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