i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
