I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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