Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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