Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
