I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
