I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
