He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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