Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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