Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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