so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
