I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
