Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
