haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
