Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
