I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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