Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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