16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
