i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
