I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Floor bacon is actually really good
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
