Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
